Feeling bitter tonight.

My physical head is doing some wacko shit, electrolyte imbalance is what they call it I guess, but that’s the trade-off… not that it is helping any, I’m running out of clothes to hide my disgustingly pudgy body. Stretchy pants and ridiculously large sweaters it is then, and I’m so glad I purchased that second pair. I swear I  am the ugliest creature on this planet. (Even applied a paper bag make-up today woot! So as not to be arrested by the ugly person police/be able to leave the house and feel as if I’d at least made an effort to look presentable.)

In the course of the week I managed to displace my glasses. Yes, don’t ask how this is even possible with an item I should be wearing 24/7 – not that I needed it much while hibernating (heck yeah,  euphemisms!), I don’t even remember when I saw them last, at least I can be fairly sure that they’re somewhere around my flat… it’s driving me slightly insane though. Same with my online banking PIN and ID, simply can’t find the darn piece of paper where it’s scribbled on! This is worse than it may sound as I haven’t done a manual transaction in my life, so when I tried it I came across problems like too few red transaction slips at the bank (who thinks of that? Caught me by surprise…)

Rambling on… I’m in the no fucks given stage and just pathetic (and cynic. Yumm.). My thoughts are going a billion RPM so again I’m talking to myself. More angsty tweenage shit from inside the cavern I’ve built of blankets except today I’m at the library.

I should tell my therapist about all this but I’m so fucking unbelievably rational there, I’m afraid I won’t be believed I guess? I’m trying to work on the underlying issues there and hope that once that is somewhat sorted the symptoms will vanish as well, I don’t believe/have not experienced yet that anyone is able to alleviate symptoms while I’m entirely submerged in them. (especially not with calming imaginary type exercises, brrr).

SO if anyone’s asking or per chance even crossing my way I’m totally fine. (((: triple smiley face! (or just a portrait of myself – three fat chins, you know).

Oh yes, not to forget I’m in a slightly paranoid state so every whisper, giggle, laughter, finger point, is about me (in a negative way). Self. Conscious. The library is a hellish place to be.

Whoa, I wrote all this on my phone. Yiss! Fucking. Bread. Crumbs.

* Oasis . Slide Away (yes, srsly digging out the Oasis! Last week I overheard some Beady Eye whilst shopping, weird feeling. There’s only one fan I know.)

As long as my lovely azalea doesn’t die. I have a history of killing plants in my home. I used to think I had a green thumb; turns out it is very beneficial to have another person (i.e. mother) who is silently watering whenever the precious greens start looking sad. Perhaps I will show more responsibility now that I have lain €13 on the table myself. The flowers I got for my birthday on June? Deceased. It’s a safer bet to hand me money and tell me to buy some pretty flowers for myself (I’m honest enough to actually get flowers and not, for example, cocaine), or even better, a gift certificate for the florist’s.

So after therapy on Friday I went to the florist’s I’d been eyeing for quite some time. Apparently the owner has a new dog, a small curly white one. He/she destroyed a pot of daffodils treasure hunt style while the owner advised a male pensioner on spring flowers for balcony living.

Thinking of it, I might go on a treasure hunt myself today.

keeping me accountable

I’m a lonely person.
Always making grand plans that deflate faster than a balloon whenever two steps outside my bed become necessary. (So change it?!)

Anyone who takes a look at my last.fm page must think that my scrobbler’s broken or something. I tend to listen to one song over and over and over, it used to drive certain persons crazy.

* Eels, who else?

Action breeds consequence and self-punishment is, albeit mostly questionable in both severity and very existence, easier to deal with than the “punishment” (mere reaction, mostly understandable at that) exerted by the other person(s) involved.  (then comes the day when any- and everything is met with a slash of the shiv. Why deal with emotion in a responsible manner?) Predictability?

My sister called me a long unheard special name today (awareness level unknown).

Tonight I learned that my gran had three children within a year, my uncle in January and twins H&M (these initials are not made up. How funny.) in December of that same year. H died of a fever on her mother’s birthday two months later. I’m wondering if it still hurts or if the six other children ultimately made up for it.

* Eels

And wow, I’m so caffeine-jittery from only one and a half cups.

I’m seeing my therapist later and have a presentation group meeting after, also might need to accompany group members to profs tomorrow (ugh, dread. I might be “busy”.)

Have I goshed about my now not so new any more (been seeing her since October) therapist yet? She’s amazing. A close call to Dr. K in Aussee – just as brilliant, but differently so. Even if I still can’t see my way out and life, the future, is as purposeless as ever, she’s able to give me a sense of security.

This blargh post has been brought to you by a procrastinating student.

the negative

and the brilliantly brilliant

So Christmas holidays. Has it been pleasant at all? No. Have y and your sister sided up against the injustice that is called grandmother? Hell yeah. Did your parents like that? Nope. Consequences? They were even more aggravating than usual perhaps?

I quote last year’s after Christmas post:

Some things about my grandmother: she’s stubborn and pig-headed. She’s always right. Children are always wrong. (E and I are considered children.) She and my grandfather have faced the hardships of World War II which makes them superior to us in every possible way. We don’t know real life, we lead a slovenly life (this even includes my mother.) My sister is a slacker because she likes to sleep in when possible.

And I just looked back in my archives and found the exact same post from a year ago.

I have mostly shut myself down emotionally since Christmas Eve. I don’t know what I’d do without my sister.

A bit distressing that it has always been like this and always will be until my grandmother, too, is gone. I do not push the blame on her, she has been living under a whole other set of circumstances all her life, but, but, unlike her E and I have the decency to not declare her life worthless and socially unacceptable. Interestingly, when our parents are around, she keeps her trap relatively shut, once they are out, though, she speaks her mind with a righteousness that is despicable.
So anyway, I for my part am back in Vienna to resume my abnormal lifestyle.

BUT there was snow, and snowfall, and wine, and I know loads about inheritance law and how to write a last will and testament correctly. Being deceased is hard work.